Sturdy Stuff – A Poem

Faith is made of sturdy stuff
It doesn’t bend or break or rust
It dares walk on wind and waves
It shan’t forget to watch His face

Fear is made of evil stuff
It doesn’t love or laugh or trust
Never moving past the grave
Hiding joy beneath the dust

Hope is made of hearty stuff
It doesn’t run or stop or quit
Much too strong to just give up
Keeping flames of faith alit

Hate is made of filthy stuff
It doesn’t heal or help the hurt
Over time it just gets worse
Making pain grow in reverse

Love is made of potent stuff
Ever-changing hardened hearts
It’s tenacious, always tough
Holding on because it must

Lust is made of feeble stuff
Formed in muck of wicked minds
Etched on hands drenched in blood
Heartless, sinful, ugly, gruff

Joy is made of ardent stuff
It changes not with passing whims
Nor falls apart when skies grow dim
Always faithful, full of love

Should Christians & Pastors Be Involved in Politics with Superintendent David Tipton – Article + Podcast

Mississippi District United Pentecostal Church Superintendent David Tipton is passionate about Christians being involved in politics. So much so he’s written a great book called Faith, Freedom & Politics. It was an honor having him on the Apostolic Voice podcast (I’ve linked that episode below). You’ll enjoy that conversation. The topic is important enough to merit being condensed here. So, I’ve abbreviated the highlights of my conversation with Rev. Tipton for those who prefer to read.

In Christ, At Colosse

To the saints and faithful brethren in Christ which are at Colosse: Grace be unto you, and peace, from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ (Colossians 1:2).

Tipton makes the case that, like the church at Colosse, saints are to be in Christ and involved in their region. That involvement should naturally include politics. My father used to say, “don’t complain about politics if you don’t vote.” That impacted me as a young man because our human nature does tend to complain about things we won’t work to fix. Biblically we have good precedents for involvement: Daniel was involved with the King at the highest level of political advisory, Joseph was elevated to the second most powerful political position in Egypt, and Nehemiah governed Judah while maintaining a positive influence with the king of Babylon who held them captive. Paul instructed us to “pray for those in government positions (1 Timothy 2:1-2).” And Jesus urged us to be good citizens and pay our taxes (Matthew 22:17-21). But of course, we have a higher citizenship in Heaven (Philippians 3:20), but that doesn’t excuse us from doing the right thing here on earth.

My Political Affiliation

I happily echo what Superintendent Tipton said in our interview, “my loyalties lie with Jesus Christ.” There will likely never be a politician who perfectly represents my biblical worldview. So, I strive to find the closest agreement possible. Like it or not, Christians are usually forced to vote for the lesser of two evils. Red or blue, elephant or donkey, I vote for candidates who are most likely to govern closest to my values. Therefore, my vote is not a full stamp of approval for their every action before or after they are elected. However, Tipton makes a valid point that shouldn’t be overlooked, “building a personal relationship with elected officials will help them remain more sympathetic to your values.”

All Politics Is Local

I’ve noticed that Christians will often become very animated about national politics. Yet, those same people are indifferent to their local elections and legislation. I’ll raise my hand and admit I’ve been that person. It’s easy to get swept into the electrifying current of national politics while simultaneously being lulled to sleep by local policymaking. However, Tipton reminded me that the average person is far more impacted by local policies than by federal ones. For example, COVID revealed much about how important it is for churches to have a good relationship with their mayor, sheriff, and county officials. As Tipton pointed out, “a local sheriff has tremendous power to help or harm.” It stands to reason that we should be active on the local level. If you’re like me, you might wonder, how can I cultivate relationships with local officials? Fortunately, Rev. Tipton gives some great advice on how to do just that.

Be A Friend

I’m abbreviating Rev. Tipton’s advice considerably, but this will give you a good overview of developing relationships with your local officials. First, if possible, begin relationships while officials are running for office. Tipton says, “If you only initiate contact after they are elected, you seem like an opportunist.” Look for local luncheons, speeches, prayer breakfasts, book signings, or gatherings where you can introduce yourself to candidates while they are seeking office. Be real. Be genuine. Be kind. Once a local politician has won office, make contact in person by visiting their office. Congratulate them and express your desire to help them wherever possible. Even if you don’t see eye to eye on most issues, try to find some common ground. Treat them like human beings in a frenzied media culture that dehumanizes politicians, and they will be grateful. Politicians are humans like you and me. As Tipton says, “they like to win and hate to lose. They don’t want to be embarrassed or mistreated.”

Once you’ve made that initial contact in person. Write them a letter expressing some kindness and a measure of support. Let them know you are praying for them and that you represent others who are doing the same. If you notice or hear about a situation a local official is dealing with, send them a note expressing concern. Remind them you are available if they need a safe person to talk with. In short, be a friend. It’s vital that you establish this relationship before asking for help, demanding change, or complaining about this or that. You are more likely to get results from someone who sees you as a friend than if they view you as an annoying stranger. Finally, be a person of integrity in that relationship. Please don’t use them for selfies or talk about your conversations with them to others. They need to know you are trustworthy and reliable. They need to know that they are talking only to you when they speak to you.

Issues of Great Concern

You may not care about or enjoy the American political process. And that’s ok. I get it. But you probably care deeply about the issues facing your family, church, and community. Those issues can only be resolved through the mechanism of politics. For example, the Mississippi District UPCI, under the direction of Rev. Tipton, played a crucial role in the legislation that overturned Roe vs. Wade and changed abortion laws for the better (you’ll want to listen to that testimony here). Religious liberty and freedom of speech are genuinely being threatened. Will we complain about it, or will we do something about it? I can tell you from personal experience that family law needs an overhaul, and public education needs total renovation. Mental health is tragically overlooked and underfunded in our communities. Crime and lawlessness are back on the rise in many sectors. Whether we realize it or not, business ethics and economics impact us all.

Christians care about these things. We detest racism. We’re not just against abortion. We’re for adoption (another area that needs deep reform). These issues and countless more should compel us to get involved as best we can, especially locally. Superintendent Tipton puts it this way:

If the church would be the redeeming force in the world, it must come to the realization that God’s love is for all men. A direct result of this is a deep-seated commitment to action in helping people, even if that means helping politically. It is vital for the church to move into the political process.

National Apostolic Christian Leadership Conference (NACLC)

Rev. Tipton is a founding leader and staunch advocate of the National Apostolic Christian Leadership Conference (NACLC). Their website is www.naclc.org. Individuals, churches, and districts can become members for $10.00 per month or $100.00 annually. Membership gives access to regular correspondence, initiatives, and materials relevant to Christian legislation and issues. Additionally, churches, districts, and ministries receive free membership in the Alliance Defending Freedom. The ADF team of nearly 100 attorneys can review documents, advise on related legal matters, and represent you if the case warrants. They focus primarily on protecting religious liberties from encroachment. The stated goal of NACLC is as follows, “to build a unified force of Apostolic Pentecostal organizations and believers that will influence local, state, and national policy.”

The Asbury Revival: A Word of Caution (Support Your Local Revival) with Timothy Hadden – Article + Podcast

I have to admit that the Asbury Revival hasn’t been majorly on my radar. I’m not super active on social media these days. By the way, cutting back on social media has been incredibly freeing for me. I have more clarity, fewer distractions, and more hope for humanity when not witnessing the daily media grime. Anyway, I’d seen a few clips here and there, but I didn’t start thinking seriously about Asbury until individuals began asking for my opinion. In that situation, I did what I often do: read what my friend Timothy Hadden had to say about it. In this case, he’s written two articles, Asbury Revival: A Cautionary Stance for the Church and Asbury Revival: A Follow-Up and Other Insights.

Apostolic Voice Episode 68

I was so impacted by those articles that I knew Tim needed to come and talk about it on the Apostolic Voice podcast (I’ve linked that episode below). We had a truly unscripted, from-the-heart, vulnerable discussion about a few concerns we share regarding some Apostolic verbiage surrounding the Asbury revival. I hope you enjoy it. If you’re enjoying Apostolic Voice, please leave us a five-star review on iTunes and give us a little encouragement. It means a lot. God bless.

Links Mentioned in Episode 68

6 Dating Standards for Apostolic Singles – Article + Podcast

Singles seem to fall through the cracks in our churches. That’s an observation, not a criticism. It’s one of those hard-to-avoid problems that just naturally occurs. If you’re single and reading this, you’re shaking your head in agreement right now. It’s not that churches don’t care about singles – they do – but being single isn’t a characteristic that necessarily unites people into well-structured little groups. For example, you can be 18 or 88 and be single; 18-year-old singles have a completely different set of needs than, say… a middle-aged single adult.

All the good and bad excuses aside, churches need to talk more about how Apostolic singles should approach dating and relationships. I see singles struggling to navigate dating and serving God faithfully at the same time from all age groups. With that in mind, these six dating standards are directed toward every age group. Some of these standards are solid biblical truths, while others are personal opinions based on years of counseling and observation.

Let me start with a few statements of fact: Being single does not mean that you are less valuable than married people, and it’s far better to be single than married to the wrong person. It’s a natural God-given desire to long for a spouse. You should pursue that desire on God’s terms, which leads me to point number one.

Being single does not mean that you are less valuable than married people, and it’s far better to be single than married to the wrong person.

1. Apostolic singles should never consider dating anyone (and I mean anyone) who is not Apostolic.

There is nothing more important to any relationship than walking in spiritual unity. How can you have anything truly in common with someone who isn’t in full agreement with the most defining aspect of your life (Amos 3:3, 2 Corinthians 6:14-17, 1 Corinthians 15:33, 2 Timothy 3:5)? Spiritual and doctrinal disagreements impact every part of married life. I’ve heard all the arguments and excuses for why “this” person is the one good exception to that rule, and the story almost always ends in heartache or backsliding. I’ve observed countless situations where someone pretended to be serious about God to be in a relationship with an Apostolic guy or girl. In those situations, the entire relationship is built on a lie—hardly a good start to any long-lasting marriage. Dating someone into the Church is a bad idea – the happily ever after success stories are scarce. Beyond that, it’s a question of the heart. Why would you be attracted to someone who isn’t Holy Ghost filled, holy, and zealous about their faith?

Apostolic singles should never consider dating anyone (and I mean anyone) who is not Apostolic. There is nothing more important to any relationship than walking in spiritual unity.

Dating someone into the Church is a bad idea – the happily ever after success stories are scarce. It’s a question of the heart. Why would you be attracted to someone who isn’t Holy Ghost filled, holy, and zealous about their faith?

2. Mr. Right will attract Mrs. Right and vice versa.

Most singles have a mental (and maybe even an actual) checklist of what they want the “right” one to be like. There’s nothing wrong with that necessarily (depending on what’s on the list). However, you should spend more time making sure you’re everything that you should be. You won’t attract the right kind of person if you aren’t working to be the right kind of person. Singlehood is a tremendous opportunity for self-improvement, preparation, spiritual growth, and maturation.

You won’t attract the right kind of person if you aren’t working to be the right kind of person. Singlehood is a tremendous opportunity for self-improvement, preparation, spiritual growth, and maturation.

3. Apostolic singles must trust that God is guiding their footsteps (Romans 8:28, Proverbs 3:5-6, Proverbs 16:9, Psalm 37:23).

Fate is not a biblical concept. God orders our every step if we are faithful to Him. That’s something every Apostolic single should believe wholeheartedly. God will guide the right person into your life at just the right time. You might look around your church on any given Sunday and think, “If these are my only options, I’m gonna die alone.” But remember, we walk by faith, not sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). If you trust God and guard your integrity, God will orchestrate your future in ways that you can’t possibly plan.

Fate is not a biblical concept. God orders our every step if we are faithful to Him. That’s something every Apostolic single should believe wholeheartedly. God will guide the right person into your life at just the right time.

4. Speaking of guarding integrity, Apostolic singles should create and maintain protective boundaries in their relationships.

I’m confident the average Apostolic single doesn’t enter a relationship planning to be promiscuous, indecent, or sexually immoral. Nevertheless, if you don’t have defensive boundaries in place, lines can be crossed very quickly. Carelessness leads to sinfulness in a hurry.

So, let’s talk about dating and relationship boundaries for a minute. Under no circumstances should a man and woman be alone together in a house or bedroom unless they are married to one another. There’s too much opportunity for things to go too far in that setting, and even if nothing happens, it looks wildly inappropriate.

A couple should not be alone together in a house or bedroom unless they are married to one another. There’s too much opportunity for things to go too far in that setting, and even if nothing happens, it looks wildly inappropriate.

  • Dating couples need to spend time with groups of people. It would help if you saw how that person interacts with others and the people who are already a part of your life.
  • Dating couples should always have a plan. Don’t just get together and kill time. Boredom and too much free time are a dangerous combo for two people attracted to one another.
  • Singles of all ages must be open and accountable to spiritual authority. Singles should talk to their pastor, family, and trustworthy spiritual mentors BEFORE becoming too emotionally invested in a relationship. Singles who remove this boundary are dodging godly counsel.
  • When dating, singles should ask lots and lots of questions. Don’t take it for granted that you know what someone believes just because they warm a church pew. There’s always a Judas hanging around Jesus. Talk. Find out what they really think deep down. Talk about hopes, dreams, plans, goals, and aspirations. Find out if they are growing spiritually or dying spiritually.
  • When dating, watch how they respond in church services. If they sit in church like a dead frog, you know something is spiritually off balance. If they’re uninvolved and out of touch with their local assembly… run.
  • Stay modest, even when you’re not together. Texting, social media, video chatting, and tons of other technological advancements have changed the modern dating scene. If it would be immodest for you to show it or wear it in person, you shouldn’t be showing it or wearing it digitally.

5. Don’t date someone who isn’t marriage material.

Never date just to date. I’ve received a lot of pushback on this piece of advice over the years. I stand by it anyway; dating isn’t a game or a way to kill time. Dating shouldn’t be a temporary fix for loneliness. Dating is two people evaluating whether they are compatible and capable of truly loving one another for a lifetime. And by the way, spending all your free time with a member of the opposite sex is dating, whether you call it that or not. If marriage is out of the question, stop dating that person immediately.

6. Know your worth.

You are incredibly valuable. Don’t let anyone or anything convince you otherwise. In a culture of casual sex and careless relationships, Apostolic singles are set apart by God for better things.

Finally, marriage is by far the most life-impacting decision a person will ever make. Be prayerful, be accountable, be faithful, be prepared, and seek wisdom. Know that God cares about your happiness. God is in complete control of your future. Let the Lord lead you.

You are incredibly valuable. Don’t let anyone or anything convince you otherwise. In a culture of casual sex and careless relationships, Apostolic singles are set apart by God for better things.

Marriage is the most life-impacting decision you will ever make. Be prayerful, be accountable, be faithful, be prepared, seek wisdom. God cares about your happiness. God is in complete control of your future. Let the Lord lead you.

Praying in Tongues – Article + Podcast

This article is an extension of a conversation between Dad and me on the Apostolic Voice podcast. I’ve included a link to that episode below. It’s a revelatory episode. Praying in tongues and praying in the Spirit is life-changing.

Three Types of Tongues

Much of the confusion surrounding talking in tongues comes from a failure to differentiate between the three types (or modes) of tongues described in Scripture. Most Pentecostals are so familiar with these types of tongues that they fail to realize it can confuse the uninitiated. Jesus prophesied about the first type of tongues, so there could be no doubt when it happened on the Day of Pentecost. He said signs would follow believers, and one of those signs is that “they shall speak with new tongues (Mark 16:17).” Of course, that happened in the Upper Room in Acts 2:4. But it happened on many other occasions, too, most notably in Acts 10:46 and Acts 19:6.

This is often called the initial (or first) evidence that someone has received the Holy Ghost. It’s certainly not the only evidence that a person has received the Spirit. Many other confirmations follow (Galatians 5:22-23), but it is always the first indicator that a person has been filled with the Holy Spirit. The second type of tongues is a manifestation of the gifts of the Spirit (or spiritual gifts). The apostle Paul extensively deals with this mode of tongues in 1 Corinthians 12-14. This gifting is for the edification of the Church (1 Corinthians 14:5). It’s usually referred to as tongues and interpretation. When it happens, an individual under the inspiration of the Spirit will burst out loudly in tongues. When they have finished speaking in tongues, the Holy Ghost supernaturally gives another individual the interpretation of those tongues, and they say that interpretation out loud to the entire congregation. So, it’s a highly sacred moment to experience in person. The third type of tongues is sometimes called devotional tongues. But as we will see, it’s probably more accurate to call it praying in the Spirit. This third mode of tongues is the primary focus of this article.

The Relationship Between Praying in the Spirit & Praying in Tongues

Praying in tongues and praying in the Spirit go together like the shell, yoke, and egg. In other words, each element needs the other to be an egg. Prayer is designed to be done in the Spirit, and praying in the Spirit is inseparable from tongues. It all goes together. Indeed, praying in the Spirit plugs us into the power of God.

Prayer is designed to be done in the Spirit, and praying in the Spirit is inseparable from tongues.

Four Levels of Urgent Prayer

I exhort, therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men (1 Timothy 2:1).

In 1 Timothy 2:1, Paul calls Timothy and us to four levels of urgent prayer, saying, “I exhort,” which is a serious word meaning to urge strongly. He continued, “therefore, that, first of all,” emphasizing that what he is about to say is the paramount urgency. Then he listed four levels of prayer: “Supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men.” These four levels of prayer are meant to be interspersed throughout praying in the Spirit with tongues. Together they produce a depth that impacts “all” people – the whole world. Paul insisted that prayer has a supernatural impact on all the people and systems of the world.

For clarity, let’s examine the four levels of prayer a little closer. First, supplication is probably the most familiar level of prayer to the average Christian. It’s our constant, unwavering, repetitive petitioning of God to answer requests or meet needs. This level of prayer is so familiar that our church services have specific times for prayer requests. Sadly, most people stay at this first level without ever moving to the next.

Secondly, Paul mentions “prayers.” The Greek word he used is proseuchomani, a generic word for prayer that carries the connotation of an oratory.[i] Therefore, this kind of prayer includes a lifted voice. It’s also corporate and intended to be done with fellow believers. And while private prayer is undoubtedly biblical, communal prayer is too.

“Intercessions” is the third level of prayer Paul mentions in 1 Timothy 2:1. Intercessory prayer is travail on behalf of another before God. The Greek word enteuxis, translated as “intercession,” means to access with familiarity and freedom, to interrupt with boldness.[ii] Intercessory prayer has the boldness to interrupt a process harming another individual. Those who enter the realm of intercession have liberty and familiarity with God, which produces results.

Fourthly, Paul lists “thanksgivings” as a level of prayer. This can be thought of as praise breaks scattered throughout our interactions with God—prayer without praise profits very little. Praise will often take us to new levels in prayer. It’s good policy to praise God more than we petition God. Why would God answer new requests if we aren’t thankful for what He’s already done? As we give thanks, our faith increases, and we step into the supernatural with greater boldness.

It’s good policy to praise God more than we petition God. Why would God answer new requests if we aren’t thankful for what He’s already done?

Prayer & Supernatural Power to Defeat the Devil

In prayer, we wrestle against “principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6:12).” A few verses later, Paul describes the kind of prayer that is most effective against these forces of the devil. Not only does he reinforce the concept of prayer “levels,” but he also identifies the fifth level of prayer: Praying in the Spirit. Finally, he says, “Praying always (consistently) with all (using every kind of) prayer and supplication in the Spirit… (Ephesians 6:18).” Praying in the Spirit is powerful to defeat the enemy! Knowing this, we now need to understand what it means to pray in the Spirit.

The Importance of Praying in Tongues

For if I pray in an unknown tongue, my spirit prayeth, but my understanding is unfruitful (1 Corinthians 14:14).

Paul’s teaching is even more explicit here regarding praying in tongues. It is a supernatural depth of praying where the Spirit of God assists us as we pray. Praying in the Spirit ushers us into heavenly places (Ephesians 1:3). Your spirit intercedes in and through the Holy Ghost beyond your earthly ability to pray. Your own spirit prays supernaturally, without understanding, rather than your intellect. You might not know how or even what to pray, but when you are in the Spirit, there is a deep working of the Holy Ghost, empowerment, and a supernatural power between you and God in prayer. The Spirit isn’t controlling your speech but empowers your spirit to pray in the Spirit.

Praying in Tongues for Personal Edification

He that speaketh in an unknown tongue edifieth himself; but he that prophesieth edifieth the church (1 Corinthians 14:4).

The New Living Translation accurately renders “…edifieth himself” as “…is strengthened personally.” Praying in tongues is personal, directed to God. Otherwise, it’s a Divine message to the church requiring interpretation (1 Corinthians 14:2). The “unknown tongue” in 1 Corinthians 14:4 is personal prayer. As with all tongues speech, such prayer is viewed as being “in the Spirit.” A personal strengthening (edification) comes exclusively from praying in the Spirit.

Praying in tongues is personal, directed to God. Otherwise, it’s a Divine message to the church requiring interpretation (1 Corinthians 14:2).

In the Spirit & Speaking in Tongues

What is it then? I will pray with the spirit, and I will pray with the understanding also: I will sing with the spirit, and I will sing with the understanding also (1 Corinthians 14:15).

The King James Version’s rendering of “pray with the spirit” is awkward in two ways: First, “spirit” should be capitalized since it refers to the “Spirit” of God. Secondly, the word with isn’t even a possibility in Greek. Therefore, it should state, “I will pray in the Spirit.” With that understood, Paul again parallels being “in the Spirit” and “speaking in tongues.” Praying in tongues, like all speaking in tongues, is referred to as being “in the Spirit.”

Interestingly, singing in tongues is revealed as a supernatural prayer level of joyous song unto God, not to men. This is precisely the same as the supernatural prayer levels mentioned by Paul in 1 Timothy 2:1 as distinct types of prayer. Paul meant for each of these levels to be intermixed – supplication, prayer, intercession, and thanksgiving with tongues (in the Spirit) and our native language (understanding).

Praying in tongues, like all speaking in tongues, is referred to as being “in the Spirit.”

Groanings: A Deep Level of Intercession

26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God (Romans 8:26-27).

Paul, in Romans 8:26-27, introduced a profound aspect of praying in the Spirit. He said, “the Spirit also helpeth (works with) our infirmities (frailties, weaknesses).” Then he gave the reason, “for we know not what we should pray for as we ought.” Perhaps nothing has ever been more accurate. How often do we pray with limited insight or knowledge? We can’t see the big picture. Many times, we don’t even know what the best outcome would be in a difficult situation. But the Spirit knows. Therefore, Paul said, “the Spirit maketh intercession for us (on behalf or in place of).” That intercession bellows from deep inside us as groanings. The English Standard Version says, “with groanings too deep for words.”

Speaking in tongues is God giving the utterance. However, it’s your voice and tongue (Acts 2:4). So, it is with praying in tongues, the Spirit empowers your spirit to pray (1 Corinthians 14:14). The Spirit doesn’t do it alone, but helpeth, or jointly helps, that is, enables us to do what we can’t do! God intercedes for us through tongues and groanings. Not groanings alone, but tongues “with” groanings.

Praying with the Help of the Spirit

To be clear, it’s good to pray with understanding, which means to pray in your native language using your intellect to form meaningful words and sentences. However, a person’s intellect can only take them to a certain point in prayer. Our memories are flawed, our perceptions are skewed, and our comprehension is one-dimensional. We don’t even know exactly which demons have a stronghold in our region. We don’t know which specific powers need to be cast down. But the Spirit knows. We don’t know when an eighteen-wheeler is bearing down on our loved ones in real-time, but the Spirit knows. So, when we pray in the Spirit, the Spirit fills the gaps our weaknesses can’t close.

When we pray in the Spirit, the Spirit fills the gaps our weaknesses can’t close.

Final Thought

The enemy desperately wants to eliminate praying in tongues from every believer’s life. And the reason is apparent. Praying in the Spirit brings a dimension of power into our lives that terrifies Hell. There are pressures from without and within the Church to pray in tongues less often. Resist that pressure with every fiber of your being. Be encouraged. Praying in tongues is not an inferior form of prayer. Rather, praying in tongues is a dimension of prayer that should be sought after and cultivated.

Praying in tongues is not an inferior form of prayer. Rather, praying in tongues is a dimension of prayer that should be sought after and cultivated.


[i] Mounce, William D. (Accordance electronic ed.). OakTree Software, 2011.

[ii] (Revised, Accordance electronic ed.). AMG Publishers, 1993.

Relationslips (Part 2) with Taylor French – Article + Podcast

My wife, Taylor, is the most intelligent and intuitive person I’ve ever known. She can read people almost effortlessly without them realizing she’s doing it. Residing deep inside her is a wellspring of observational ability that enables her to know a person’s soul instinctively. More importantly, she fights for good relationships with the tenacity of a soldier. She’s like a relationship ninja. It’s pretty cool. I honestly envy those qualities. And while I do most of the talking in public formats, she is the better communicator in our relationship. We learn from each other, but I think I have more to learn than her. I’ve certainly gleaned new insights talking through this series with her for the last several weeks. And I’m incredibly grateful we’re on life’s journey together.

Get Caught Up

If you’re just now joining the conversation, you can listen to Part 1 of our Relationslips podcast here. If you scroll down, you’ll see a link you can’t miss for Part 2 of this series. Also, here’s a link to the first blog entry in this series. It’s worth looking at that article and reviewing the list of book recommendations. We’ve enjoyed responding to your questions and comments. Feel free to send more our way, and we will respond sometime soon.

 

Passive Aggressors & Energetic Attackers

One common source of relationship friction that causes “slips” is the ongoing war between passive aggressors and energetic attackers. And, of course, Taylor and I are opposites in this area. My natural, carnal, fallen, faulty response to frustrations, anger, feelings of offense, and disappointment is passive aggression. Allow me to define passive-aggressive behavior for those who might be uncertain. Indirect expressions of hostility, including negative attitudes, characterize it. Here are some specific passive-aggressive behaviors I’ve unfortunately struggled to overcome: 1) Resentment and unspoken opposition to demands from others. 2) Procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others’ requests. 3) Cynical, sullen, or quiet hostility to others near me. 4) Masking my frustrations in complaints, sarcasm, humor, or hints and doing just about anything to avoid confrontation, argument, or outright hostility.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are people I’ve dubbed energetic attackers. Taylor falls into this category. So rather than running away from confrontation, she runs towards it. Sometimes she enjoys confrontation (although not always), but regardless, she isn’t afraid of it. She approaches relationship problems aggressively. She likes all the feelings out in the open. She likes to have all the cards on the table and all the soldiers on the battlefield. And although she never intends to attack people, she wants to attack the problem, which does cause some personalities to feel attacked at that moment. While passive-aggressive personalities can arguably be too patient, energetic attackers have little patience. They’re quick to speak their mind and openly push back when frustrated.

It’s easy to see how these drastically different personalities can “trip” each other up. But, as unlikely as it seems, passive aggressors and energetic attackers have traits that can bring balance. For example, Taylor has helped me recognize the value of confronting things in a timely fashion, and I’ve helped her learn the importance of finding the right time for confrontation. Timing is everything when it comes to healthy confrontations in all of our relationships. I naturally lean too passive, and she leans too aggressive. This personality dynamic creates tension in countless families, workplaces, churches, friendships, schools, and leadership teams.

Timing is everything when it comes to healthy confrontations in all of our relationships.

Finding Balance & Seeking Reconciliation (Relationslip Tip #4)

21 “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. 23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there, remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:21-24, NIV).

The Bible isn’t silent on this issue. Jesus speaks directly to it during the famed sermon on the mount. He began by mentioning an injustice everyone can agree is terribly wrong, murder. Then He swiveled to the topic of anger without even saying whether or not it was justified. Ultimately, Jesus adroitly led the audience to consider how offenses destroy relationships.

Interestingly, when Jesus gave the protocol for dealing with anger, bitterness, insults, and general relational frustrations, He purposefully left a detail out that most of us would want to know. He never mentioned whether He was talking to the offended or the offender. Look at Matthew 5:23 again, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there, remember that your brother has something against you.” If I had been in the crowd, my hand would have shot up so I could ask Jesus, “Wait, does this apply if they have something against me because I did something wrong or because they did something wrong to me?” But Jesus didn’t bother to clarify because it didn’t matter. His instructions in the next verse apply regardless of whether I did wrong, they did wrong, or we both did wrong. Any way you slice it, what Jesus said next applies.

I’m taking a tiny bit of liberty with the text and putting it in today’s context. So, you’re at the altar in church when you remember that (for whatever reason) there’s some bad blood between you and so and so. Instead of pretending everything’s fine, or putting it off another second, find that person while your mind is focused on the Lord and make things right as best you can. You might think, but I’m doing something spiritual right now. I can deal with that later. Not so. Jesus told us that our highest priority should be seeking reconciliation if an offense is “slipping” up a relationship. When we go to that person, our main goal is to mend “whatever” it is that caused the rift.

Jesus told us that our highest priority should be seeking reconciliation if an offense is “slipping” up a relationship. When we go to that person, our main goal is to mend “whatever” it is that caused the rift.

Practical Advice Regarding Reconciliation

You might be a passive aggressor, an energetic attacker, or anything in between. Regardless, seeking reconciliation prioritizes people above being right, winning, getting everything you want, or having the final say. A reconciliatory attitude is stripped of pride, arrogance, and selfishness. If peace is possible, reconciliation achieves it. I’ve found that most people welcome reconciliation once they realize how much I value my relationship with them.

Seeking reconciliation prioritizes people above being right, winning, getting everything you want, or having the final say. A reconciliatory attitude is stripped of pride, arrogance, and selfishness.

With that said, here’s some practical advice for leaving your gift on the altar and having the hard reconciliation talk: 1) Calm down before going to that person. This can be especially hard for energetic attackers, but waiting until your emotions are under control is essential. 2) Think the problem through from your side and try your best to see their point of view too. You don’t have to agree with their views, but just putting yourself in their shoes for a little bit can change your perspective. 3) Pray about the situation. Pray for that person, and specifically ask God to help restore that relationship. Seek the Lord for wisdom, self-control, and guidance. 4) Plan a conversation that will bring about peace. A soft answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1), so prepare your mind to speak with a tone that promotes healing, not anger.

Literalators & Exaggerators

I’m a big-picture guy. Taylor is a detail detective. I’ve learned that when Taylor asks about my day, she doesn’t want an overview; she wants every microscopic detail. I like to ballpark times and numbers. Taylor wants to know the exact milliseconds, pennies, and nanograms. Because I’m a big-picture, ballpark guy, I also tend to exaggerate. Typically, because I genuinely don’t remember the specifics. This can be problematic because if she’s taking everything literally and I’m ballparking, it creates disillusionment and miscommunications.

My father is also an exaggerator, and my mother is a literalator. Dad might say something happened recently that happened a decade ago. He isn’t trying to be dishonest or misleading. He just isn’t super focused on the time aspect of the story. It seems irrelevant to him. My mother can turn a three-minute story into a three-hour treatise on her trip to the grocery store because she feels the need to share every detail, precisely how it happened in real-time. So, you can imagine how literalators and exaggerators might have to work through communication issues and learn to meet in the middle.

Instructing Your Mouth (Relationslip Tip #5)

The heart of the wise instructeth his mouth, and addeth learning to his lips (Proverbs 16:23, ASV).

People with wisdom in their hearts teach their mouths what to say, when, and to whom. I don’t enjoy giving specifics, and I wouldn’t say I like being given too many details. But I love my wife; she likes particulars, so I let wisdom instruct my mouth. She knows I don’t always want to hear the extended version of a story, so she allows wisdom to instruct her mouth. This is called relationship maturity. It’s learning how to communicate with others in a way that is meaningful to them. So, when literalators and exaggerators are together, they have to make concessions for each other in their communications.

Learn how to communicate with others in a way that is meaningful to them.

The Constant Thread

A constant thread of truth runs through these relationslip tips: Intentionality. Good relationships take time, energy, effort, care, selflessness, and intentionality. Great marriages don’t happen by accident. Lifetimes of friendship don’t just happen. Tremendous parents don’t just stumble on it. Happy workplaces don’t magically appear from nothing. Church unity doesn’t fall from Heaven on a few super-blessed congregations. No. Every meaningful relationship is fraught with protentional slipping hazards that must be carefully navigated. It can be exhausting; sometimes, we feel like giving up on certain people. But the benefits far outweigh the burdens.

Good relationships take time, energy, effort, care, selflessness, and intentionality.

Relationslips (Part 1) with Taylor French – Article + Podcast

It’s been so much fun working on this relation “slips” series with my wife, the amazing Taylor. For those who prefer to listen, you can listen to Episode 64 right now. Also, you can read the poem for JJ featured on the episode here. If you’re new to the series, Taylor and I are wading into the murky waters of relationship difficulties because relationship troubles account for most of our daily frustration, strife, and anxiety. It might be between spouses, friends, coworkers, fellow saints, peers, parents, in-laws, children, or siblings. Regardless, slips in those relationships can be really difficult. However, navigating relationships with wisdom goes a long way in producing peace and joy in our daily lives. It also promotes unity (which promotes revival) in our churches.

Navigating relationships with wisdom goes a long way in producing peace and joy in our daily lives. It also promotes unity (which promotes revival) in our churches.

An Occasion to Slip (Romans 14:13)

The Amplified version of Romans 14:13 says this: “…let us no more criticize and blame one another but rather decide and endeavor never to put a stumbling block or an obstacle or a hindrance or an occasion to slip in the way of a brother.” It’s extremely rare for me to criticize the King James Version. However, the KJV translation falls short of the intended meaning in this instance. It renders the beginning of the verse this way: “Let us not, therefore, judge one another anymore…”. Yet, the context of the verse and the intended meaning of the Greek word krinō is more in line with our understanding of the word “criticize” or “disapproval.”

Having a critical spirit rather than a graceful spirit ultimately becomes a slipping hazard to the people around us. Heaping blame and nitpicking endanger the people nearest to us. So, we must make a deliberate effort in all our actions not to create an occasion to slip in the way of others. For a Christian, this should become a daily mindset and priority. This is a crucial aspect of demonstrating the love of Christ.

Get Behind Me, Satan!

But Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block [offense, hindrance, snare, obstacle] to Me; for you are not setting your mind on things of God, but on things of man (Matthew 16:23, Amplified Version).”

The context of Jesus’ forceful rebuke against Peter is simple. Jesus had just revealed to his disciples that he would have to suffer and die – something they remained stubbornly unwilling to comprehend – but Peter wouldn’t accept it as true. He argued and tried to convince Jesus otherwise. Which, by the way, likely appealed to Jesus’ humanity. I mean, who wants to suffer and die? We know Jesus wrestled with this because of his prayers in the garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-56). Peter’s words were becoming a stumbling block, or we might say creating an occasion to slip in Jesus’ path.

I think it’s important to observe that this wasn’t an explosion of temper on Jesus’ part. It was an intentional rebuke designed as an example for everyone. Jesus realized the conversation was becoming dangerous, so he dealt with it immediately. It’s also worth noting that Peter’s intentions weren’t evil. He wasn’t trying to slip Jesus up like the Pharisees or the Sadducees. Peter loved Jesus and wanted what was best for him. Jesus knew that. But he still needed to demonstrate, for everyone’s sake, that you can’t be casual around slipping hazards. Especially spiritual slipping hazards.

Two Relationship Rules

I hate to use the word “rules” because I know it will rub some folks wrong. But rules they are, and they are simple (at least conceptually) yet vital. Christians must follow two rules regarding every relationship: 1) Make every effort not to be a source of slipping or tripping for others. 2) Make every effort not to let others become a source of slipping or tripping for you. These two rules should inform our actions, reactions, conversations, silences, decisions, and indecisions with others. Again, the Christian life is filled with intentionality and deliberation. But every relationship is fraught with intentional and unintentional relationslips that cause painful falls resulting in countless emotional and spiritual bruises. My wife and I have worked together to offer a few slip-proofing tips that are both biblically sound and practical.

Christians must follow two rules regarding every relationship: 1) Make every effort not to be a source of slipping or tripping for others. 2) Make every effort not to let others become a source of slipping or tripping for you.

Pesternators & Procrastinators – Understanding Personalities (Slip-Proofing Tip #1)

On the outside, at least, Taylor and I are complete opposites, and we are proof positive that opposites do attract. But, to be clear, we aren’t opposites regarding the big things like serving God, dedication to ministry, work ethic, love for our kids, and loyalty. Also, we both share quality time as our primary love language (if you haven’t read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, we highly recommend that you do). However, that’s where our similarities end. Taylor’s a major extrovert, and I’m a lifelong introvert. She enjoys talking all day, and I’m quiet and inward. She loves being on the phone, and I have an ongoing fantasy that my phone is lost forever and no replacements are available. She wakes up happy and smiling, and I wake up with all the charm and energy of a tortoise. I can’t imagine wearing a brown belt with black shoes, and I have a lifelong obsession with making sure colors and patterns match. But on the other hand, Taylor believes that all colors and patterns match, and the more, the merrier.

I love our differences. I’m incredibly thankful we’re not the same. Life would be very dull if we were exactly alike. And, for the most part, our differences balance us out. However, at times, our differences create slipping hazards in our relationship. For example, I’m a lifelong procrastinator, and Taylor is a chronic pesternator. You’re probably familiar with a procrastinator. So let me explain a pesternator (our made-up word) first. Put simply. A pesternator is someone who wants things done immediately. It makes them highly effective and immensely productive people. However, one of their predominant weaknesses is impatience. They’re also highly communicative. They resort to pestering if things aren’t getting done as quickly as they’d like. But, of course, they’d be more likely to call it frequent urgent reminders of great importance.

Procrastinators are not necessarily lazy, although pesternators often mistake their delays for laziness. My fellow procrastinators and I simply don’t feel the inner urgency to complete every big and minor task immediately. Instead, we prioritize tasks based on their perceived importance, and we rarely feel the need to finish something that isn’t due for another six months. Pesternators do feel that urgency (almost impulsively). One trait I’ve noticed in procrastinators like myself, we are also perfectionists. Therefore, we don’t like just getting things done in a hurry just to mark them off the list. We want to do it, take our time, think everything through, and do it right. This can be a huge weakness. We often don’t do things we should be doing because we don’t feel we can do them perfectly (like podcasts and blogs).

Procrastinators and pesternators clash daily in homes, workplaces, churches, and schools. Siblings, parents, coworkers, spouses, extended families, students, and colleagues slip one another up because they are wired differently. For example, in our home, we have two procrastinators and two pesternators. My daughter, Julia, and I are procrastinators. And, as you already know, Taylor is a pesternator. Our son, Talmadge, is with Taylor in the pesternator department. So, as you can imagine, the potential for frustration and conflict lurks in the shadows and on To-Do lists. Thankfully Taylor and I entered marriage with another important similarity that I haven’t mentioned yet. We are both fascinated with the study of personalities. And we believe that fascination has helped to slip-proof our relationship. It’s not full-proof, and we’re not perfect, but we believe understanding and appreciating personalities can dramatically help you.

These days, there’s no shortage of free and paid online personality tests you can take. Some aren’t great, but many are very good (we’ve linked several tests and book recommendations at the end of this article). Take several of them for yourself because the first leg in the journey to understanding others is learning about yourself. Be brave enough to face your weaknesses and wise enough to exploit your strengths. Learn what pushes your buttons and why. Before we can interact wisely with others, we must honestly know ourselves. Once you get a grip on your personality, you can determine what makes other personalities tick.

Be brave enough to face your weaknesses and wise enough to exploit your strengths. Learn what pushes your buttons and why. Before we can interact wisely with others, we must honestly know ourselves.

You might think, that’s great, but how does this help my “fill in the blank” relationship? For one thing, you begin to realize that certain people who do certain things that grate on your nerves aren’t purposefully trying to make you go crazy. And, just as significantly, they probably aren’t trying to disrespect or demean you either. So, it’s just two personalities clashing. So, for example, very early in our marriage, Taylor would ask me to do such and such or so and so, and I would absolutely plan to do it, but according to my rambling time frame. Because I hadn’t fully comprehended her personality, I didn’t realize she had an unspoken expectation that I should fulfill that request within 24 hours. To make matters worse, when I didn’t meet that silent expectation, she felt disrespected and unloved. Neither of us wanted to hurt the other, but a lack of understanding created tension. And that lack of understanding stemmed directly from a lack of communication.

F.A.N.O.S. (Slip-Proofing Tip #2)

That’s just one personal example representative of hundreds of relationslips that happen between people all the time. Thankfully, in our case, we were given a tremendous marriage tip that has drastically improved our relationship. The acronym is F.A.N.O.S., which stands for feelings, acknowledgment, needs, ownership, and struggles. So, here’s how it works, you and your spouse agree to talk through F.A.N.O.S. once a day. Pick a time of day that works best for your schedule and stick to it. Make sure to do it daily. It might take you longer to get through it in the beginning, but as time goes by, it won’t take you as long to finish. Take turns expressing the five topics (without interrupting each other).

Begin with “feelings”; this is a general opportunity to communicate how you are feeling right now, about the past 24 hours, and the future. Move to “acknowledgment”; here, you verbalize that you acknowledge (and hopefully appreciate) everything your spouse has done for you, your family, your friends, etc. Remember to acknowledge everything you can think of, even if you don’t feel particularly grateful. And here’s why, as you recognize those things out loud, your appreciation for everything your spouse does will blossom. Remember to take turns and reflect precisely on the past day’s events.

The third topic is “needs,” I’m pausing here to insert that this part of F.A.N.O.S. became the primary solution for our procrastinator vs. pesternator problems I mentioned earlier. The needs category allows you both to communicate… well, your needs for the upcoming day (or further out, depending on the circumstances). Taylor and I realized that this was the best moment for her to tell me precisely what she wants from me (emotionally, spiritually, and physically). Knowing she will have the chance to do the “needs” category of F.A.N.O.S. every day alleviates her impulse to send reminders and requests to me while I’m working, resting, and… well, you get the idea. But that only works when I do my part, pay attention, and set reminders for myself. Also, part of that communication process is learning to set realistic expectations. If, for example, I can’t do something within her desired 24-hour window, I must express that to her. However, I must force the procrastinator in me to commit to a reasonable timeframe (He’s still working on me).

After “needs,” take “ownership” for any failures, wrongdoings, and bad attitudes you might have had since the last F.A.N.O.S. Be sure to apologize and be careful not to pass the blame or make trite excuses. Finally, close out by verbalizing any “struggles” you might be facing, feeling, or anticipating. Full disclosure: Taylor and I have typically already expressed our struggles in the first four categories. But sometimes, that category is extra essential to talk through. I know that F.A.N.O.S. sounds overwhelming if you’re an introvert like myself. And all the mega communicators reading this think it sounds magnificent. But I promise, it helps, and it works. And it doesn’t take very long once you get the hang of it, especially if you do it daily.

Relationships Besides Marriage (Slip-Proofing Tip #3)

Obviously, you can’t do F.A.N.O.S. with your colleagues, bosses, in-laws, friends, or parents. Although, it might be great to do with your kids (at least occasionally). But the principle of learning to communicate your needs, show appreciation, and set expectations while genuinely understanding another person applies to all your ongoing relationships. It’s a fact that most relationslips result from misunderstandings, poor communication, and perceived disrespect. Before jumping to conclusions and getting offended, take some time to try and figure out if the issue is just two distinctive personalities approaching the same situation with vastly different perceptions. Of course, sometimes conflicts are deeper and drastic interventions are required. But you’d be surprised how simply understanding and learning to respect and work intelligently with other people’s differing personalities will slip-proof relationships.

Most relationslips result from misunderstandings, poor communication, and perceived disrespect.

Nobody Likes Being Misunderstood

Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them… (Matthew 7:12).

Jesus’ infamous challenge to treat others how you want to be treated was then, and for many, still is, a revolutionary concept. This commandment seems pretty uncomplicated. And, mostly, it is. However, what are you supposed to do when treating someone how you would like to be treated isn’t how they want to be treated? Perhaps you’re a hugger. Giving and receiving hugs makes you feel loved and appreciated. But someone in your circle of relationships doesn’t like being hugged or even touched, for that matter. You’re showing love the way you want to be loved, but they’re left feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe they will start avoiding you. Not because they don’t like you but because they don’t want a bear hug.

In that kind of situation, the key to obeying Matthew 7:12 is learning to understand other people’s personalities. Nobody likes being misunderstood. You don’t like it when people don’t try to know your likes and dislikes. We all want others to read our body language, pay attention to our signals, and listen to us. And when we’re misread, misunderstood, or ignored, we feel devalued and unimportant. Learning to do what makes others feel valued is the ultimate version of following Matthew 7:12 because that is precisely what we wish others would do for us. When you learn to live this way, the relationship bonus is that as you adjust for others, they will do the same for you. They may never want that bear hug, but they might grow comfortable with a simple, quick hug.

Learning to do what makes others feel valued is the ultimate version of following Matthew 7:12 because that is precisely what we wish others would do for us.

Book, Blog & Podcast Recommendations

If you’re interested in growing and learning how you and those around you tick, this list is a great resource to get you started. Before you browse over them, please don’t feel overwhelmed. You absolutely don’t have to read or listen to all this information to grow in this area. If you’re like me, you’ll want all the info you can possibly study. But if you’re like Taylor, you’re probably thinking, give me one or two good resources I can dig into. And that’s ok. One book, blog, or podcast can make a huge impact. So don’t let the length of this list overwhelm you. With that said, I’ll start this list with the first personality-type book I read as a teenager. It’s still my favorite.

This short book is a classic.
Another LaHaye classic.
Short and simple read.
Another enneagram personality format book.
Tremendous book if you have a hard time saying no, or if your “no” hurts people.
This one is pretty in-depth and intellectual.
This book approaches personality studies from a self-improvement perspective.
Very fun book and comes with a free online personality assessment.
The test on this book is very helpful.
Listening is a lost art and this book helps bring it back.
Another great book on learning to listen, empathize, understand, and relate to others.

Choices – A Poem

Choices are fragile, necessary things.
Tantalizing, agonizing little things.
Brimming with endless possibilities. 
Accoutrement laced anticipations. 
Funneling into careless cessations. 

The question is asked, “Which way should we go?”
The question echoes, “Does anyone know?”
Arrogance answers, “Just enjoy the show.”
Ignorance answers, “There’s no way to know!”
Malevolence answers, “Don’t rock the boat!”

Yet, choices are tenacious little things.
Creeping through our minds even while we sleep.
Twisting and tunneling deep in our souls. 
Every action straddled with reactions.
Consequences lurk beneath distractions.

They ask, “Is day any different than night?”
I believe that shadows prove the sunshine.
My friend, the sun still burns with fervent light.
The night knows it has but a little time.
And choices we make determine that time.

What’s the Difference Between Godly Sorrow & Worldly Sorrow

For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of but the sorrow of the world worketh death (2 Corinthians 7:10).

The Difference Makes the Difference

In his second letter to the church at Corinth, the apostle Paul begins chapter seven by launching into a lengthy discussion about how to “perfect holiness” by “cleansing ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit (2 Corinthians 7:1)”. Inevitably, this dovetailed into a unique perspective on sorrow and repentance. Paul describes (and we’ll look closer at it in a moment) the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. It’s a vitally important distinction because one leads to spiritual death and the other to salvation. The difference makes the difference. We’ve all got to get this one right.

Called to Stop Sinning

The Bible teaches us that the Church is a called-out assembly. God has called us out of sin, and God has called us into holiness. We are supposed to be holy as He is holy (1 Peter 1:16). That standard is very high because God is supremely holy. You might be thinking that it is impossible to be sinless. And in a way, you’re right. However, the New Testament reminds us repeatedly that we are to be without sin (holiness). In fact, 1 John 2:1 pauses and says, “Stop sinning. Just stop it!”

My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not… (1 John 2:1).

If you take the Bible and boil it down to its essence, the central theme is God’s grand plan to get humanity from sinfulness to sinlessness.

Our Response to Sin is the Key

It’s easy to start sinning, but it’s hard to stop. That’s basically been humanity’s problem from the beginning. For most people, defining what is and isn’t sin is problematic. Sin is so pervasive and normal that we don’t feel horrified by it. And if we don’t feel horrified by sin, we don’t think of it as all that bad. My struggles with sin have taught me that sin’s grip is hard to break. If you’re human, you have your own stories and struggles with sin too. I also know how enticing sin can be from the countless hours I’ve spent trying to help others find deliverance from every sin you can imagine. I’ve noticed through the years that the real issue isn’t that we have sinned (because we have) or if we will sin (because we will).

The question that matters is, what will we do with our sin? How we respond to sin usually helps us stop or causes us to keep on sinning. Godly sorrow over sin produces genuine repentance, which allows the Holy Spirit to step in and empower us. Worldly sorrow leads to lackadaisical repentance, which only perpetuates sin in our lives. Worldly sorrow produces a self-sustaining cycle of sinfulness. Before highlighting the vital differences between godly and worldly sorrow, we must clear up an apparent contradiction in the Bible.

Does God Cleanse Us, or Do We Cleanse Ourselves?

Sin is a stain on our lives. God desires to present to Himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing (Ephesians 5:27). God is deadly serious about His church being holy and without blemish (Ephesians 5:27). That’s why we’re all in such desperate need of the blood of Jesus. Only His blood cleanses all the stains of sin. But do we cleanse ourselves, or does Jesus cleanse us? The passages below might be a little confusing at first glance.

…let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God (2 Corinthians 7:1).

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

To answer this question, we need to identify the context of these two verses. In the previous chapter, Paul clarifies his target audience, “for ye are the temple of the living God (2 Corinthians 6:16).” Clearly, Paul is talking about repentance to people who have already obeyed the Gospel and are in the Church. He’s referring to the ongoing process of sanctification (holiness), which requires continued repentance. We must skip forward to pinpoint John’s intended audience:

These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God (1 John 5:13).

So, it’s clear that John is writing about the initial salvation experience, when we first take ownership of our sinfulness, leading to repentance and obeying the Gospel. At that moment, God covers us with His blood.

God’s Role & Our Responsibility

At salvation, something compelling happens; when we repent, our sins are forgiven (1 John 1:9); at baptism, our sins are remitted (Acts 2:38); at the infilling of the Holy Ghost, we are empowered (Acts 1:8). God did the cleansing work at Calvary, and we stepped into that cleansing flow via obedience. However, regarding our continued walk with God, 2 Corinthians 7:1 clarifies that we must “cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.” In other words, God does the initial work. Then He expects us to put some effort into the process from that moment forward. To be sure, His Spirit comes inside to help lead, guide, comfort, correct, convict, strengthen, and encourage us along the way. But the infilling of the Spirit doesn’t remove our free will. After salvation, God expects us to exercise an often-overlooked fruit of the Spirit – self-control (Galatians 5:23).

Sometimes I hear church folks say, “if only God would give me the power over this ____ sin.” But God has already given us His Spirit. He’s already cleansed us. So now we must cleanse ourselves daily. If we’re not careful, we’ll use God as an excuse for our continued sin. God cleanses us first, and then we are responsible for walking in that cleansing. That’s the process of sanctification or holiness. In answer to the original question: Does God cleanse us, or do we cleanse ourselves? The answer is that God does the major cleanse first, and then we step in and do minor cleansing as we continue our walk with the Lord.

A Simple Illustration

A simple, albeit imperfect illustration, may help clarify this concept. Roughly once a month, I take our family SUV to a full-service carwash. They detail our vehicle inside and out. I do that because they have the equipment, chemicals, and expertise that allow them to do a thorough cleaning that I’m not capable of doing. It’s almost like having a new vehicle when they get done. I didn’t do the cleansing. They did. But if I eat a bagel in the car and crumbs fall everywhere, I must clean that mess myself. Otherwise, I’ve wasted my time and money on that professional cleaning job. They cleaned it first in ways I can’t do alone. But I still have a responsibility to keep it clean. In much the same way, that’s how walking in holiness works.

Problems in the Corinthian Church

In Paul’s first letter to the Corinthian church, he is very forthright with them. The church was super messed up with big-time problems and significant sin issues. For example, a young man was having an affair with his father’s wife (1 Corinthians 5:1). Even more revolting, rather than the church being grieved. They laughed about the situation like it was a joke (1 Corinthians 5:2). Paul was so angry that he demanded that if the guy refused to repent, they should turn him over to Satan for the destruction of his flesh (1 Corinthians 5:5). That leaven of malice and wickedness would destroy the whole church if they didn’t deal with it correctly (1 Corinthians 5:7-8). All this background is essential because we can now understand 2 Corinthians 7:8-11 and answer the question: What’s the difference between godly and worldly sorrow?

I’m Not Sorry That I Made You Repent

8 For though I made you sorry with a letter, I do not repent, though I did repent: for I perceive that the same epistle hath made you sorry, though it were but for a season. 9 Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance… (2 Corinthians 7:8-9).

In the above verses, Paul was trying to let the church know that his first letter (1 Corinthians), with its strong rebuke, was not intended to make them feel sorry but was a call to repentance.

…for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing. 10 For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of… (2 Corinthians 7:9-10).

In other words, when you have godly sorrow. It leads to godly repentance, and you don’t have to confess the same sin repeatedly.

…but the sorrow of the world worketh death. 11 For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things, ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter (2 Corinthians 7:10-11).

The Contrast

In his unique way, Paul carefully contrasts these two types of sorrow. They both lead to outward repentance, but only one is genuine. The result of godly sorrow is a change in behavior and attitude. But worldly sorrow brings death. It certainly brings spiritual death, but in the immediate, it might mean the death of a marriage, a friendship, victory, blessings, spiritual power, or family relationships. Tragically, in extreme cases, it could culminate in an untimely physical death because of sin.

For All That Is in the World

Anything derived from the world is compromised, “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world (1 John 2:16).” Worldly sorrow is derived from either the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, or the pride of life. So, for example, a person might feel sorrow for their sin because of the pain it produces. They feel that pain in their flesh, and that pain can be intense. It’s real! Emotional and physical pain caused by sin can become unbearable at times. And many people assume the remorse they feel because of their agony is genuine repentance. But if that remorse is a temporary emotion birthed from pain, it’s not godly sorrow.

A second kind of worldly sorrow results from the lust of the eyes. People can be sorry because they see how sin has impacted their life; lost loved ones, broken relationships, wasted moments, embarrassments, and failures. Their kingdom might be crumbling before their eyes like a slow-motion nightmare. Consequences that used to seem so unlikely and distant come crashing into focus. They might think, “I’m going to lose my wife, kids, or job.” But ultimately, their focus is on their kingdom. Many people feel this kind of worldly sorrow and confuse it for genuine repentance. But true repentance is not self-centered. It’s God-centered.

Thirdly, the pride of life produces another type of worldly sorrow. People may feel sorry because they are embarrassed that people can see their sins. They see their reputation going down the drain, their influence waning, or they feel disliked. Perhaps they want to be viewed in a more positive light. But the critical issue is their name. Again, the sorrow is selfishly motivated. Therefore, the resulting repentance is only skin deep.

Me, Myself & I

Worldly sorrow always brings the focus on me. It’s all about my feelings. My pain. My reputation. My happiness. But godly sorrow focuses on the fact that my sin has grieved God and others. Ephesians 4:30 warns us not to “grieve” the Holy Spirit. Godly sorrow is acutely aware that my sin has grieved the Holy Spirit. Godly sorrow isn’t just sorry because of sin’s consequences on my kingdom. It’s more concerned with God’s Kingdom. Godly sorrow isn’t worried about the reproach that I brought on my name but with the reproach that I brought on God’s name. As the prophet Nathan said to David after his horrific sin with Bathsheba, “You have brought great occasion to the enemies of the lord to blaspheme his name (2 Samuel 12:14).” Nathan was more concerned with how David’s sin would impact the world’s understanding of God than he was with king David’s reputation.

Seven Characteristics of Godly Sorrow

Paul doesn’t leave us with a nebulous definition of godly sorrow. 2 Corinthians 7:11 describes what godly repentance looks like in action. He lists seven things that accompany godly sorrow. Numbers are significant in the Bible, and the number seven represents completion and perfection. Therefore, it could be said that these seven things signify complete and perfect repentance.

1. Carefulness

Carelessness leads to sinfulness. A careful person is full of care, caution, and intentionality. Godly sorrow produces carefulness where casualness once reigned supreme. Decisions are weighed out and made thoughtfully. Every action is measured according to the Word of God. Godly sorrow refuses to blame sin on ignorance, incompetence, recklessness, or inattention to detail.

2. Clearing of Yourself

Godly sorrow doesn’t make excuses. It doesn’t blame other people or circumstances for sin. There’s no hiding, covering, manipulating, shifting, or maneuvering of responsibility. Worldly sorrow keeps things hidden and harbors secret sins and motives behind closed doors. Godly sorrow seeks to clear the air and clean the conscience. It thrives on transparency and always advocates for the truth to be displayed.

3. Indignation

Godly sorrow recoils at the thought of past sins. Old lifestyles aren’t viewed as the “good old days.” It doesn’t laugh at sin or find it entertaining. Carnal things that used to seem euphoric become repulsive. The thought of sin and evil produces anger, indignation, and disgust. Godly sorrow views sin as a vile thing to be detested. It doesn’t despise sinners, but it does hate sin. In much the same way as you would hate cancer while loving a cancer patient.

4. Fear

I’m always nervous when someone repents of a particular sin and says, “I know I’ll never do that again.” I’d much rather someone say, “I’m going to take every precaution possible to make sure I never fall into that sin again because I’m afraid of going back to that terrible thing.” You will take godly precautions when you have a healthy fear of a possibility. Furthermore, a little fear of the Lord is a good thing.

5. Vehement Desire

Godly sorrow is fueled by a fervent desire to serve God and avoid sin. Vehement means to show strong feelings. It’s forceful, passionate, urgent, and intense. It isn’t mellow, mild, or casual. Godly sorrow recognizes the seriousness of sin and its desperate dependence upon the Holy Spirit.

6. Zeal

The Greek word for zeal is spoudē, found twelve times in the New Testament. The primary meaning of zeal is “haste” or “diligence.” Meaning diligence in the sense of “earnest zeal.” It’s always used in the context of living out godly lives.[i] The idea is that godliness takes ongoing work and tenacious effort.  

7. Revenge

When godly sorrow is in play, everything in your being wishes you could return and fix the things sin has taken from you. So, in a certain sense, you are looking for revenge against the enemy of your soul. That’s why brand-new saints often get so on fire for God. They are avenging what the enemy stole from them when they were under the bondage of sin. Godly sorrow never looks longingly back toward Egyptian taskmasters.

Final Thoughts

It’s not hard to receive the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in other tongues. But if you’ve been around an Apostolic church for a while, you’ve probably noticed that some people seek the Holy Ghost for weeks or even months without being filled. The apostle Peter didn’t say, “repent and be baptized, and you might receive the Holy Ghost (Acts 2:38).” He said, “you shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost (Acts 2:38).” My experience has taught me that many people struggling to receive the Spirit are actually struggling with repentance. They might be sorrowful and going through the motions of repentance, but their sorrow is worldly and does not lead to life. Gently and lovingly, helping them to decipher the difference between godly and worldly sorrow can lead them to the breakthrough they need.


[i] Renn, Stephen D., ed. Expository Dictionary of Bible Words. Peabody: Hendrickson, 2005.

What Will Become of Us All? – A Poem

White picket lines of peaceful persuasion
Cannot undo the cost of invasion
Endless fine lines of baser perversions
Weakened strains of moral conversions
Flawlessly wielding falsified searches
What will become of us all?

Cold, calculating meaningless data
Hiding underneath the smiling strata
Clinging to less fortunate ideas
Laughing, dragging, while dreaming of sions
Intricate veins coursing with curses
What will become of us all?

Meanwhile, one white robed throng preaches the Writ
Tenaciously keeping holy flames lit
Falling valiant, bleeding from vicious slits
Ten thousand swords critically slashing hits
Battered, beleaguered saints climb past ashen fritz
What will become of us all?

One bright light pierces the eastern sky
A triumphant shout falls from mountain highest
One brilliant white horse gracefully flies
The armies of Heaven closely aligned
Every blood-stained voice shouts toward the sight
What will become of us all?